He never leaves us.....

I remember my dad getting high in front me. I remember going upstairs at his apartment and coming back downstairs to see lines of cocaine on a mirror. The strange look he got in his eyes. The smell of death.

When he would show up on Saturdays to take me to lunch his hands would shake from the crazy night he had the night before. I wanted him to hear me., to see me. He would sit in the booth and act as though i wasnt even there. He hardly spoke. Dad don't you see me here? Don't you see that I need you to love me????

My dad was kind of famous in our town. He had a television and radio show called "Gab With Tabb." I listened to him on the radio wondering why he wouldn't call me or return my calls. I grew numb. It was like my feelings shut down. No emotion. When people heard my last name and asked me if my dad was on the one on the radio i said yes but it stopped bothering me. The life of not feeling emotions began. I started drinking alot so I wouldnt have to feel anything. My mother remarried another alcholholic who one night tried to run me over in the driveway. My mom told him it was either the alcholhol or us. He picked the drink. I still felt nothing.

It was from there that my life went down hill. I picked the wrong men having no concept of what a good man was. I turned to men that i thought would take care of me and keep me safe. Many nights of terror of being beaten up by a boyfriend or having my car shot at for telling him that i was going to leave him. Suddenly fear would over take me and the thought would come that if he left me I coundt bare it. I needed him to love me. That nagging feeling in my stomach that something terrible would happen if I was without him. The deep feeling of abandoment. That feeling haunted me my whole life.

Rejection can leave marks that cut so deep a knife cant reach them. Rejection of a parent can tear your soul up so badly that you don't even know who you are. You only know who you are not. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough and certainly not worth loving. I am not saying this to get pitty. I had a big part in some of the choices i made. I say this because its time we got real in the body of Christ about helping those who are broken. Sitting in chursh singing Jesus loves me is not going to help the ones who are out there and have no idea that there is a supernatural God who loves them and wants to set them free.

BUT then i met Jesus! When i met Jesus everything changed! The real Jesus! The love i had been searching for I found in one moment in His presence. I knew that i knew that i knew that God had seen every tear and His love for me was more then i could ever fathom. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to show up when i was ready to end it all. Lord Jesus I never ever would be free if it wasn't for you! You are awesome Lord! I am new Lord because of the touch of your arms around me. You love me way more then my earthly father ever could.

I will end with this. The Lord showed me in a vision where i had been punched by a boyfriend and Jesus was kneeling down beside me on the ground crying. He was so broken over my pain. He was there all of the time. That is amazing.

I know that many of these girls in the strip clubs have be rejected and or abused. I am the one that God has called to go in there and get them out of there. The Lord says that i am bait. I am so excited about that. Bait for Jesus!!! YIPEEEE!