He never leaves us.....

I remember my dad getting high in front me. I remember going upstairs at his apartment and coming back downstairs to see lines of cocaine on a mirror. The strange look he got in his eyes. The smell of death.

When he would show up on Saturdays to take me to lunch his hands would shake from the crazy night he had the night before. I wanted him to hear me., to see me. He would sit in the booth and act as though i wasnt even there. He hardly spoke. Dad don't you see me here? Don't you see that I need you to love me????

My dad was kind of famous in our town. He had a television and radio show called "Gab With Tabb." I listened to him on the radio wondering why he wouldn't call me or return my calls. I grew numb. It was like my feelings shut down. No emotion. When people heard my last name and asked me if my dad was on the one on the radio i said yes but it stopped bothering me. The life of not feeling emotions began. I started drinking alot so I wouldnt have to feel anything. My mother remarried another alcholholic who one night tried to run me over in the driveway. My mom told him it was either the alcholhol or us. He picked the drink. I still felt nothing.

It was from there that my life went down hill. I picked the wrong men having no concept of what a good man was. I turned to men that i thought would take care of me and keep me safe. Many nights of terror of being beaten up by a boyfriend or having my car shot at for telling him that i was going to leave him. Suddenly fear would over take me and the thought would come that if he left me I coundt bare it. I needed him to love me. That nagging feeling in my stomach that something terrible would happen if I was without him. The deep feeling of abandoment. That feeling haunted me my whole life.

Rejection can leave marks that cut so deep a knife cant reach them. Rejection of a parent can tear your soul up so badly that you don't even know who you are. You only know who you are not. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough and certainly not worth loving. I am not saying this to get pitty. I had a big part in some of the choices i made. I say this because its time we got real in the body of Christ about helping those who are broken. Sitting in chursh singing Jesus loves me is not going to help the ones who are out there and have no idea that there is a supernatural God who loves them and wants to set them free.

BUT then i met Jesus! When i met Jesus everything changed! The real Jesus! The love i had been searching for I found in one moment in His presence. I knew that i knew that i knew that God had seen every tear and His love for me was more then i could ever fathom. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to show up when i was ready to end it all. Lord Jesus I never ever would be free if it wasn't for you! You are awesome Lord! I am new Lord because of the touch of your arms around me. You love me way more then my earthly father ever could.

I will end with this. The Lord showed me in a vision where i had been punched by a boyfriend and Jesus was kneeling down beside me on the ground crying. He was so broken over my pain. He was there all of the time. That is amazing.

I know that many of these girls in the strip clubs have be rejected and or abused. I am the one that God has called to go in there and get them out of there. The Lord says that i am bait. I am so excited about that. Bait for Jesus!!! YIPEEEE!

I dance for Jesus!!!!

I had a blast last weekend!! Paula and i walked into Crazy Horse again having no idea of what to expect. At the door, the girls that check the I.D.'s yelled, hey Rochelle! as she gave me high five. I told her i wanted the green light from the manager to go in the club. She said, "Just go in and see him at the bar." I walk up and say hello and he tells me its no problem to see the girls. At this point Paula says, "Do you realize the favor you have in here?" All I could do is keep movoing for Jesus!!

Not only did we go to the back dressing room to see the girls there but since i had someone with me, I felt a little boldness come on as we hit the inside of the club to talk to anyone we could. The girls were so happy to see us. Paula was watching to make sure we didn't leave anyone out. They love the presents. I am telling you they love it when we come!!!!

Paula told me we had missed a girl that was sitting at a table with a man. I went out to get her a gift and came back and sat right down in front of her. I shared a small bit of my testimony as she smiled brightly. The man at table said, "Why don't you get up there and dance?' I yelled, "I dance for Jesus and He blessed me so much i get to give some away!!!" I was so excited when i said it i coudl barely stand it. She laughed with me and i gave her a hug. She didnt look at me like a was a nut. She was having a good time talking with me. i really didnt want to leave.

We spoke to every girl in the club. It didn't matter where they were we covered them all! It was awesome!! It was amazing. Here we are, evagalists, in the club where men are all over and women are doing things that they shouldnt, not even batting an eye. Just loving them like Jesus!!

One of the girls in the dressing room was so funny. She said, is this another one of those gifts from Jesus???

I am thankful to have Paula to go out with me to minister. She is an awesome woman who truly loves the Lord and wants to see His girls free!

I cant wait to go back out in a couple of weeks!!!! There is nothing better!!
If anyone has any items that they can donate to give to the girls i would really appriciate it!!

I am so thrilled! I can hardly contain it!!