Lord please show up tomorrow night...............

I can feel the inside of my chest beating if I think too much about tomorrow night. Four years ago the Lord spoke to me and I knew I was called to share my testimony. Listening, learning, watching and praying sometimes even dreaming of what that day would be like. God had stirred something in me that kept my eyes fixed on Him. The author and finisher of my faith.

Now after waiting and praying I wonder if it was all in my mind. Am i nuts? Me? I mean really Lord. I cry out for answers between homework and email and meetings. Is it even possible for him to use me? The older the kids get it seems the more tired I get. Maybe I am just suffering from a very serious love hangover......God I need you every moment to keep me sane. I don't want to try and be anybody I just want to please the Lord and lately i really don't know what that looks like.

Things in my life have been kind of nuts. I have felt scattered and tired and overwhelmed. The Lord told me that with Him nothing is impossible. He can help me to raise three great kids who love the Lord, use me for the sake of the Kingdom and give me the means to help others. That is all I really want. Maybe a home of my own.........................

So tomorrow night I will drive to that church and praise Him the whole way there scared but excited at the opportunity to share how much God loved me that He pulled me out of a place that was hollow and made me new and in one piece again.

Lord do it all..................I want to see your glory. I want to see you move mountains.......I want to see you open up the windows of heaven and set the captives free. Lord please move like never before. I need for you to show up tomorrow night Lord. I need you..................I love you. I am nothing without you.

He never leaves us.....

I remember my dad getting high in front me. I remember going upstairs at his apartment and coming back downstairs to see lines of cocaine on a mirror. The strange look he got in his eyes. The smell of death.

When he would show up on Saturdays to take me to lunch his hands would shake from the crazy night he had the night before. I wanted him to hear me., to see me. He would sit in the booth and act as though i wasnt even there. He hardly spoke. Dad don't you see me here? Don't you see that I need you to love me????

My dad was kind of famous in our town. He had a television and radio show called "Gab With Tabb." I listened to him on the radio wondering why he wouldn't call me or return my calls. I grew numb. It was like my feelings shut down. No emotion. When people heard my last name and asked me if my dad was on the one on the radio i said yes but it stopped bothering me. The life of not feeling emotions began. I started drinking alot so I wouldnt have to feel anything. My mother remarried another alcholholic who one night tried to run me over in the driveway. My mom told him it was either the alcholhol or us. He picked the drink. I still felt nothing.

It was from there that my life went down hill. I picked the wrong men having no concept of what a good man was. I turned to men that i thought would take care of me and keep me safe. Many nights of terror of being beaten up by a boyfriend or having my car shot at for telling him that i was going to leave him. Suddenly fear would over take me and the thought would come that if he left me I coundt bare it. I needed him to love me. That nagging feeling in my stomach that something terrible would happen if I was without him. The deep feeling of abandoment. That feeling haunted me my whole life.

Rejection can leave marks that cut so deep a knife cant reach them. Rejection of a parent can tear your soul up so badly that you don't even know who you are. You only know who you are not. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough and certainly not worth loving. I am not saying this to get pitty. I had a big part in some of the choices i made. I say this because its time we got real in the body of Christ about helping those who are broken. Sitting in chursh singing Jesus loves me is not going to help the ones who are out there and have no idea that there is a supernatural God who loves them and wants to set them free.

BUT then i met Jesus! When i met Jesus everything changed! The real Jesus! The love i had been searching for I found in one moment in His presence. I knew that i knew that i knew that God had seen every tear and His love for me was more then i could ever fathom. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to show up when i was ready to end it all. Lord Jesus I never ever would be free if it wasn't for you! You are awesome Lord! I am new Lord because of the touch of your arms around me. You love me way more then my earthly father ever could.

I will end with this. The Lord showed me in a vision where i had been punched by a boyfriend and Jesus was kneeling down beside me on the ground crying. He was so broken over my pain. He was there all of the time. That is amazing.

I know that many of these girls in the strip clubs have be rejected and or abused. I am the one that God has called to go in there and get them out of there. The Lord says that i am bait. I am so excited about that. Bait for Jesus!!! YIPEEEE!

I dance for Jesus!!!!

I had a blast last weekend!! Paula and i walked into Crazy Horse again having no idea of what to expect. At the door, the girls that check the I.D.'s yelled, hey Rochelle! as she gave me high five. I told her i wanted the green light from the manager to go in the club. She said, "Just go in and see him at the bar." I walk up and say hello and he tells me its no problem to see the girls. At this point Paula says, "Do you realize the favor you have in here?" All I could do is keep movoing for Jesus!!

Not only did we go to the back dressing room to see the girls there but since i had someone with me, I felt a little boldness come on as we hit the inside of the club to talk to anyone we could. The girls were so happy to see us. Paula was watching to make sure we didn't leave anyone out. They love the presents. I am telling you they love it when we come!!!!

Paula told me we had missed a girl that was sitting at a table with a man. I went out to get her a gift and came back and sat right down in front of her. I shared a small bit of my testimony as she smiled brightly. The man at table said, "Why don't you get up there and dance?' I yelled, "I dance for Jesus and He blessed me so much i get to give some away!!!" I was so excited when i said it i coudl barely stand it. She laughed with me and i gave her a hug. She didnt look at me like a was a nut. She was having a good time talking with me. i really didnt want to leave.

We spoke to every girl in the club. It didn't matter where they were we covered them all! It was awesome!! It was amazing. Here we are, evagalists, in the club where men are all over and women are doing things that they shouldnt, not even batting an eye. Just loving them like Jesus!!

One of the girls in the dressing room was so funny. She said, is this another one of those gifts from Jesus???

I am thankful to have Paula to go out with me to minister. She is an awesome woman who truly loves the Lord and wants to see His girls free!

I cant wait to go back out in a couple of weeks!!!! There is nothing better!!
If anyone has any items that they can donate to give to the girls i would really appriciate it!!

I am so thrilled! I can hardly contain it!!

Behind sad eyes...........

As my fiend Paula and I walked up to the Private Dancer last week, I got that sick feeling I always get. I wondered what i might see on the other side of the entrance. The smell of smoke and the filth in the entrance always makes me a little apprehensive. Poor Paula, having no idea what to expect, handled it with such grace as she fervently prayed for the girls. As we prayed in our prayer languages, I rang the bell at the glass window and waited.

Two precious girls excited to see me came to the window and said, "Hello Rochelle!!" When i look in their eyes i can see the intense pain on their faces. It crumbles my soul as I put a smile on my face in hopes that they will see Jesus. They leaned over the opening of the window to hug me. I didn't want to let go. My insides torn as the Lord opened their hearts so i could hold them for a short time. Its amazing that after such a short time they are hugging me....really it is. Its a gift from the Lord. I prayed for each of them and gave them gift.



As i was praying, a man came in the doorway. That was a first. I was so shocked when the girl I was praying for said, " You need to come back because we are busy right now." I acted like I wasn't surprised and excited! I was ready to bust! Only Jesus could make them more interested in what i had to say then the money. That is a miracle! Go Jesus!



As i was leaving one of the girls handed me her prayer request and this is what it said:

Rochelle,
I have been clean since the first time you came to our building. You have touched my heart in a way no one else ever has. I would like for you to pray for me and help me stay clean and do better. Also pray for everyone that is doing your ministry. Your the best.
Love,
L

God is good!!! Now that is something to get excited about!!

Does anybody hear her????

As i leave the strip clubs to minister on Friday night i always feel so empty but yet so excited. Looking in the eyes of someone lost, seeing the pain, the fear and the residue of abuse magnifies the stance of the enemy. They don't have any idea of how much God loves them. They have heard of religion or have been to a church where hymnals are open to page 144 and people sing of someone they don't really know. I pray, Lord show me the broken ones. Show me who is willing to hear your story. Show me the ones who are not. I know that you have called me to share what you have done. I lie in bed at night and see their faces. Some nights i toss and turn burdened over what I have seen. How did my heart get so hard that i got wrapped up in being someone in the church? We are to be servants. Plain in simple. You fed me, you gave me water, you came to see me when i was in jail, you loved the unlovable. Truly, Jesus ministry was out in the world. We are called to go out and spread the news of the kingdom. I can let my shine all day but if I am scared to tell somebody about the Kingdom who do i really want to please? He never said being used by Him would be easy

Our Lord took it all on Calvary. Everything. My sickness, my sadness, my addictions, my insecurities, my dads junk, and my grandparents junk. All of it gone within minutes. I get so excited about that! I have had people in the church who really know the Lord get annoyed with my enthusiasm. I used to be so hurt by that. The Lord told me that my excitement excites Him. I am not bragging about myself. I am bragging about my covenant that God Almighty died to give me! If that doesn't get you excited i am not the strange one here! We should be excited! We serve God almighty! Its too big of a deal to keep quiet. If your faith doesn't hurt just a little.......you might be a pew warmer! :)